•July 23, 2011 • Leave a Comment

The 7 Harry Potter books:


Harry Potter and the Sorcers Stone

Harry Potter and the Chamber of secrets

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Harry Potter and the Goblet of fire

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows


Now the 7 porno spoofs of Harry Potter:


Harry Pecker and the sorcerers Bone

Harry Pecker and the Chamber of Deepsex

Harry Pecker and the Prisoner of ASSkaban

Harry Pecker and the Goblet of fire-crotches

Harry Pecker and the order of the Penis

Harry Pecker and the Half Blood Prince-Albert

Harry Pecker and the Deathly Swallows


You’re welcome. Don’t steal my shit.



•June 2, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Shit has gone dark.


No my sister isn’t banging a black guy (that I know of)

And no, I am not shitting out shoe polish. (Although that’d be fucking hilarious)

The power is out at my house! Is there anything worse than receiving a phone call from your wife, who is home before you, and she immediately yells “we have a problem!!!” ?

I shit my pants, shoe polish. But then she went on to tell me our power was out, UGH!

So the entire grid of the city I live on has no power. Businesses, houses, apartments…….DARK.

Scary shit, it is like “I am legend” or some shit. People running out of their houses with pillows, bags, perishable items…..as if a blimp of AIDS just hit a power cord in front of a gigantic 300 foot industrial fan, spreading that shit around town like dandelions!

So naturally…..we grabbed everything we own, hopped in the car, and drove 25 minutes south to my parents house in good ole’ Gastonia nc! Thank god they have a big house. We will be sleeping on the couch, waking up at 5am, and driving all the way to work….with enevitable shit amounts of sleep.

It should be back on tomorrow. (the power)

Let’s hope! It’s been hotter than South Florida this week in Charlotte NC, last thing I need is a fucking 100 degree house, with rotting milk in my fridge.

Oh and Duke energy…………..you owe me butter, milk, multiple frozen dinners (hungry man bitch!!!), ice, and a carton of cookie dough ice cream…..

I except to be compensated ASAP.


•May 21, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Exactly how I look right now

Hangover horrible horrible hangover. Talk about a incredible low after a incredible high, amiright?!!? You party all night, get wasted, troll some pervs on chatroulette and all of a sudden you are waking up feeling like 3 gorillas are pounding Neil Pert’s drum kit inside of your head for a 7 AM wake up call.

What make’s it worse? Oh I don’t know, how about a 3 year old with the intensity of a coked out wino in a bum fight jumping on your head yelling about the Thor toy’s my brother got for him from Burger King the day before! This thing called”parenting” is a deadly combination when mixed with hangover’s.

The 3 year old was fast asleep dreaming about peeing his pants and marshmallows while you were pounding beer’s and taking shots. He goes about his business like any ordinary weekend morning. You however, are dragging yourself out of bed like G.I. Joe crawling under barbed wire, looking for the closest toilet to dispose of the entire bag of Dorito’s you ate at 4 AM.

So as I sit here, watching “Shrek” for the 30th time in the past 2 weeks, I urge you single people out there, or people without kid’s, take advantage of it! Get wasted, have fun, go party, go out on the town, go to waffle house at 3 AM and order the biggest plate imaginable! Because once you become daddy, YOUR playtime is OVER.


•May 20, 2011 • Leave a Comment

You ever meet someone SO SMART that they are almost stupid? I just had a client sit with me for a little over 40 minutes. He has a physics degree. Guy is off the wall intelligent. Almost so smart, that he is insane.

Good guy, I enjoyed the conversation, but it is scary to think about someone being so smart that they almost can’t comprehend the basic’s.

The human brain is a crazy thing. You use so little of it, yet it is capable of so much. Can you think of anything else that is comparable?! This same brain that tell’s me to be a lazy twat and eat Cheetos while playing Playstation, is the same brain that can get a human through something so mentally challenging like basic boot camp in the armed services, or even more crazy like what that hiker went through in that James Franco movie. 200 hours or whatever it’s called.

My hope is that someday before I die, we crack into it a little further, and get us some answers. Why can’t we use it all? Is it dangerous if we could? What are the capabilities?…..I tend to think it’s capable of so much we couldn’t even comprehend it with the little brain we DO use.

Back to my client, he was telling me about this computer chip they can put into cars and it will reprogram the current chip to give your engine AT LEAST 60 more horse power, and 18-20 miles per gallon more. I am sure there is something like that out there. I heard a story once about a guy who bought a car, drove from Las Vegas to Florida on 1 tank of gas. He called the manufacturer and told them, the next night around 3 in the morning, there was some guy in a suit taking a computer chip out of his car, and it never ran that good again.

It may not be true, but still, it’s something to think about, and I am sure it is out there available. Well, I shouldn’t say ‘available’ but it does exist.

Why isn’t it in our hands? Well that is simple, if we had cars that didn’t need to fill up as often, then gas companies wouldn’t be getting paid, and politicians wouldn’t be getting lobby money from said gas companies.

aka: money. duh.

I don’t want this to turn into some bullshit political blog, but I will say it is disheartening to know that the government holds so much from us just to make more fucking money. It makes you wonder what else is invented that we don’t and won’t ever know about.

Discuss it in the comments if you wish.

hello world

•May 18, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I am random. Random is as random does, I always say.  As I sit here, and think about what to write, and what I am truly thinking about, one thing continues rushing through my brain.

“Maybe I am SO RANDOM, that it is NOT random anymore”

I know, mind blown right? Sorry.  It has come to my attention, from inner thinking while sitting alone with a bottle of vodka, playing Call Of Duty, that I am one random person. So maybe if I am known as doing random things, and saying random phrases, that it is not so “special” anymore, and that maybe now it is time to flip everyone on their heads and start being “blah” ?

If I used to walk into a room, and immediately crack a joke, and yell “pour me a drink, AND MAKE IT A DOUBLE!!” to the bartender, maybe next it is time to just casually walk in, order a beer quietly, sit down and people watch.

I love people watching. People, I have noticed, are random as well. I love the personality in people. Everyone, these days, are less about impressing people, and more about “being me, and proud of it!”. I am cool with that. I like seeing people dressed like a weirdo and being fine with it. Back in the 90’s when I was in school, you couldn’t do that shit and get away with it. Back in the 90’s and 00’s when I was in school, that was the cliché “nerdy” way to be, and it was only done by the nerds.

Now, it’s cool to be different.  Which like my original point, if EVERYONE is being different, then no one is.

This shit is mind-blowing to me,  I am sure you all have thought about this anyway’s, but I felt like blogging about it. This is my first blog, and I am at work, so it doesn’t matter what I type here. Honestly, 7 people MAY read this, so it REALLY doesn’t matter what I type here.

The funny thing is, as I proof read everything, I notice how fucking random this blog truly is. Maybe I won’t be changing much at all? Maybe random is what I was born to be.

Maybe…..just maybe…………rainbows.